uh......

well, here i am again becoming the blogger i hate.  i can't even tell you the last time i blogged, but i can tell you the last time i thought about blogging.  obviously it's about 5 minutes ago, right?  good grief all of this brilliant knowledge and i can't even make myself write it out.  what a shame, what a shame.  this year, well i guess the next 11 months i am going to make a constant effort to get out on paper/blog what is going on and what's up with bstew.  believe it or not i have wanted to blog for the longest but have shied away because i have tried to take on a new way of thinking/living over the past year and a half...so let me catch you up because i know you want to know.

i started out 2012 in the beautiful state of colorado.  little did i know that 9 short months later i would seemingly be back to square one looking for a new direction in life.  it was about the middle of august when i realized that the world of minor league baseball wasn't for me.  what a tough realization to deal with right?  i wanted to love everything about where i was both personally and professionally, but i just couldn't get a stranglehold on that.  so here i am in february of 2013 trying to make ends meet by working odd and hourly jobs wherever they may be.  do i care? a little. do i think things will turn around? i sure hope! do i have a plan? no not really and i think the best part is i'm not ashamed to admit it.  what i do know though is that i have a core group of people that believe in me, not necesserily myself at the moment that keep me pressing on and seeking all that is good in this life. 

my goal for the future of my blog/writing is to open up more, speak out more on what i truly believe, and write exclusively from the heart.  it may be a bit controversial at times, it may be off at times, and it may even be a bit ugly at times, but i want to be a stronger me from this point forward and things like this help me do so. 

i have began to evolve more and more since my departure from the time i left colorado and i truly intend on evolving more as my path less traveled continues. 

if i've learned anything over the past year though, it is that i am a southerner to the core!!

peace, love, and live it 

takin' it all in

as i sit here at the desk in my office with a gorgeous ball park on the other side of my wall, i can't help but sit and take a minute to realize how far i have come and how everything comes full circle with patience and perseverance. 

since i was four years old the only thing i wanted to do was take batting practice, play catch in the front yard, and be on a baseball diamond.  if i wasn't playing baseball i wanted to watch baseball.  it is a game that i fell in love with at an early age and am still in love with today.  it is hard to believe that though i am not playing the game anymore, i wake up everyday to drive to the ballpark and live out a dream that i thought would never come true.  i get to watch 72 baseball games a year interact with major league ballplayers on a daily basis.

at times i am still in awe of what i do.  it wasn't too long ago that i was following guys like drew pomeranz, chris coghlan, and dj lemaheiu as they live out their dreams as professional baseball players trying to make the big league squad.  these are guys that not only i followed but never thought in a million years i would get to meet or interact with.  oh the joys of working in sports and baseball in general.  they are people just like you and me doing what they love to do. 

it is hard not to pinch myself at times to make sure it isn't a dream.  the lord works in ways i have no idea so i stopped trying to figure it out.  and with that i'll end with a quote i found quite fitting...man is born broken. he lives by mending and the grace of God is the glue.


stew

...and finally a fastball

so i have done exactly what i vowed not to do when i started this blog: taken a 6 month hiatus and completely ignored it.  part of it was for good reason as i'm sure most of you don't want to hear sob story after sob story about how much i was failing in getting a job among many other things.  i started this blog as something i would enjoy to keep me and my followers upbeat, and for the most part i was feeling sorry for myself about not getting what i wanted when i wanted it up until about the end of january. 

with baseball season in full swing and my job currently nothing but baseball, i thought it was only fitting to reference the past 8 months with a baseball metaphor.  it started back in september when i finally caved and moved back in with my parents after not getting offered a job within the UAB athletic department like i thought i was going to.  that was the first of many pity parties i threw for myself over the next 8 months.  it just felt like everytime i would step up to the plate i would get curveball after curveball.  i knew what i wanted to do just didn't know how and when i was going to get there.  finally, one day in late january i got a call from the university of washington wanting to interview me for a position in their ticket office.  the call went well, but when i got off the phone an email was waiting on me from the colorado springs sky sox triple a team.  my heart was beating 100 miles an hour as baseball was the one this i wanted to be a part of since i can remember.  and to top it off, it was in one of the most beautiful states in the country.  after a phone interviews and a lot of praying i got an offer.  speechless i had finally broken in to the business i have waited all my life for.  it was like i stepped into the batter's box that day and my eyes lit up as i finally got a fastball right down the middle that i could connect on!

needless to say the lord absolutely does work in mysterious ways and His plan is true no matter how many times i wanted to say it wasn't and how many times i wanted to disregard it.  moving to colorado and working in baseball has been a dream come true!  new best friends, working at a ballpark, family, and a steady paycheck.  i can honestly say that when the fastball came i didn't miss it!!

and i live here....
  and work here!

lost and.........found?

what am i doing? where am i going? am i doing it right? what should i be doing? am i looking for the right thing? will i ever find it? why am i looking? do i even know what i'm looking for?

questions that not only i hear all the time and ask myself all the time yet i still haven't found an answer to any of them directly.  here i am lost looking into a future that is uncertain and unwritten.  here i am searching for answers that aren't clear, and here i am anxiously awaiting what happens next.

i feel like i'm standing at the beginning of a journey with about a million paths leading a million different ways.  i have no idea which path to take or even where to start.  i have questioned myself, my motives, my faith, my trust, my ideals, among many other things.  on one hand i think that there is a path out there worth taking, but on the other hand it seems as though that path is as lost as i am right now.

i have always been one that has been so grounded in my faith and my Lord, but so many times i have questioned that foundation that i have built my life on.  why has it come to a point where i am searching for something that i may or may not be there?  it was with a deep conversation i had with a great friend that this could be the best learning experience i have gone through.  while discussing my issues with him i was brought aware that this could be an experience to strengthen and learn so much more about myself and my faith.  i have been given the chance to dive into some views i haven't necessarily believed or considered before.

am i found?  will i find it?  will it be what i want?

it is these questions that i seem to be looking forward to the most.  that day when i find my true purpose, my true calling, my true will for life.  for now i sit still lost and waiting on "home" to call.

my prayer

so many times i sit at my computer and have pandora playing while i surf the net and don't really pay attention to what song is playing or who is singing it.  i just pick an artist i'm in the mood for and listen.  one random day when i was sitting at the coffee shop listening to whatever and wondering why the heck i don't have a job yet and wanting to do things my way in my time, this song by my new favortie artist shawn mcdonald came on.  the lyrics are quite simple but became so powerful for me and spoke to me in.  it has been my prayer each and every day since then, and i put it on every night before i fall asleep. i wanted to share them.

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so
I could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give All of Me,
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, yeah

Would You open up eyes, so I can see
Would You open up my ears, so I can hear
Would You open up my mind, so I can know
Would You open up my heart, so
I could love You more

I want to serve You, my God
I want to give You everything
I want to serve You, my King, yeah
I want to serve You, my Lord
I want to give You everything, Yeah

Here I am with my arms open wide
Asking for You to come up, up inside
Won't You make me new, won't You make me true?
Jesus, won't You make me like You?

Would You touch my eyes, so I can see
Would You touch my ears, so I can hear
Would You touch my mind, so I can know
Would You touch my heart, so I could love You more

Won't You open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me, open me
Won't You open me

we regret to inform you...

frustrated. a word that i have become all too familiar with lately.  frustrated because i am a worrier, frustrated because i don't yet have a job, frustrated because i know i need a job, frustrated that i have no sense of stability, frustrated because i can't beat my best mile times, frustrated because i am not that good at tennis.  i am a competitor, and whether it is playing my little brotherr in tennis or fighting for a job with a slew of other applicants, i want to win.  if i'm not doing that(competing) then i become very frustrated with myself and in turn with a lot of people around me.  one thing leads to another, frustration builds, and i just go into shut down mode which isn't one of my proudest traits.

a lot of times i go back a read blogs from the past and catch myself needing to do some of the things that i am letting others read about.  this will probably one of those times.  you see i believe frustration is a growing mechanism that the Lord puts in our lives.  in my personal opinion, i hate it.  i am a deep and unique thinker and worrier which causes a lot of unnecessary frustration and stress.  at times it literally makes me want to explode.  instead for some reason i go run and recently that hasn't even been a stress or frustration reliever. i was to the point the other day that i wanted to rip my ipod out of my pocket and throw it into next week. not one "good running" song would play so i just turned it off.  after a couple of miles, i realized that running without music all the time wasn't so bad.  it was nice to be refreshed with the sound of my tennis shoe hitting the pavement and the breeze blowing in the trees and people chatting as i passed them. 

frustration comes almost daily in my job search as day after day i receive an email with another "your qualifications were outstanding and we appreciate your interest in blah blah job but we have found someone more capable of filling our needs at the current time."  like i want to call that person and say really, have you really found someone more capable.  how do you know that is what i want to ask?  like how could they be passing on me, i mean i am benjamin stewart. 

i say all this to get to the point that no matter how frustrated i get or become it doesn't solve anything. everything happens for a reason and being frustrated about a situation isn't going to make it any better.  frustrationg to me seems to be a test.  a test of yourself, a test of your faith, a test of your selfishness, a test of your strength, a test of your will. will i be able to overcome my frustrations? well yeah eventually but one thing is certain, i can't do it alone even though i've tried multiple times. and even though i know i will be stressed and frustrated again i also have the comfort of knowing i'm not going through it alone.  He is with me and He is with me always.  that voice is saying "the job is coming," "the stability is coming," "the girl is coming," "the four minute mile is coming(maybe,)."  it's just up to me to listen and obey. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

PS - There was a little frustration while writing this blog

this one's for you pops

i figured i would take a break from my ecaudor blogs to write about something new and considering this passed sunday was father's day, i thought i would blog about my father.  for those of you that don't know most people just call him big L.

you know people always tell me i am just like my mom and i agree, but without my dad i really don't know where i would be today.  i mean half the time he doesn't have a clue what is going on in my head because we are wired so differently in that way.  he doesn't understand why i do things certain times and how i do them.  this is what makes us relate so well with each other.  the characteristics he presents daily are the type of characteristics i want to have some day when i become a father. 

humble
outgoing
hard-working
hilarious
loves people
loves meeting new people
a heart for God
energetic
sports minded

these are just some of the characteristics that describe my dad.  it really makes my day when people in his sunday school class come up to me and tell me that my dad is the best sunday school teacher they have ever had.  you know this is what i love most about him.  big L has a love for the Lord and is in a positon where the Lord is using him in every way he can.  it is this that stands out about my dad.  through all the laughter and tears we have shed it is still awesome for me to know that he is doing exactly what the Lord has called him to me.  i read a lot of tweets and facebook posts this weekend about how great everyone else's dad is and you know i wasn't one of those who tweeted or posted it on facebook.  he knows he is an awesome dad and doesn't need me to let everyone else know about it.  if you ever get the chance to meet big L you are in for a treat just as he is when he meets his heavenly big L (the Lord) one day. (hopefully far off)  i can't thank the Lord enough for providing me the type of person to look up to and strive to be like when i have kids. 

oh and dad by the way your daughter is the one who is just like you!!

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.